Hello everyone, Clockworkjoker here. This will be my first blog on this website. I received a comment several months ago that I should post more often and update. They had a very good point, though I’m not an active individual online as I would like to be. I’m also not a great writer, but I will do my best to post some interesting reads for your guys. Right now let me just vent a little bit about what has been going on this past year.
As the title suggests, I want to say goodbye to 2018 for all the shitty and great experiences I’ve had. My friend (roommate) and I have gone to so many conventions to promote Moirae Pubs, and it was a great experience for both of us as artist and author. Though the year was riddled with us trying to get the company off the ground, much of it has been bittersweet, especially toward the end of this year. It’s been a really hard time for me and my roommate, especially my roommate. She recently had to put her sweet kitty down, right after Thanksgiving no less, and she’s been in mourning since. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can be, but I know I’m not the greatest person when it comes to reading others and their emotions. In all honesty I can’t do much but just make sure the house is clean, stay out of her way, and do my best to cheer her up as much as I can. Though lately we seem to be butting heads, maybe it has to do with this whole month of sorrow. I don’t know, the holidays has gone sour for me.
Christmas has always been an important holiday for me, I’ve loved it. Not because of the presents or commercialization of it, but because my mother made it special for my sister and I. We’ve had so little in our lives that it was the minor things that my mom did during the holidays that made it special for us. Especially when she would go all out for decorations. I’ve tried to bring that spirit here with me to Alabama, but I don’t think I’ve succeeded. It’s not the same, especially when your roommate doesn’t have the same feelings you have towards the holidays. Though it is entirely understandable, and I do not blame her at all for how she feels about the holidays, and I know she’s done her best to try to include me in her family holidays. Sadly it’s not the same. I’ve been debating on whether I should go to Christmas dinner to her family’s house or just sit at home to contemplate 2018 and the many things that have happened. Mostly this past month it’s been really hard and I don’t really want to spend time with her family knowing that I’ve been a failure and disappointment. It’s funny isn’t it, being a disappointment to strangers. Maybe it’s shame that I’ve been nothing but a financial leech on their daughter/sister. I’ve been feeling disgusted about myself as well.
There is also so much I need to consider for my future and whether anything that I have accomplished so far has been at all worth it. With emotions running high and volatile for more reasons than just one, I certainly don’t feel like a winner. Irregardless of how 2018 has been, I need to work harder, if not for myself, then for me to be prepared to move on if I need to. My wings are set and ready to catch wind.
I can only hide behind a smile for so long before it starts to crack. Though this whole post comes off as satirical and much of it hypocritical, but it’s feelings that I needed to write down and analyze for myself, and the prospect of maybe someone reading it and understanding it somewhat, makes me feel slightly better. There’s nothing like sharing your sorrows with others.
Now that I’ve written the sad part of my 2018, here’s to 2019! There are many plans that Moirae Pubs is putting into motion and I am looking forward to getting lost to the work. There is much I need to do in order to support this tiny company and the growing authors and artists we keep collecting. Katy is like a Pokemon master, gotta catch em all. She’s been gathering talented people she feels can accomplish many things for Moirae’s future and it’s been getting exciting. Now our financial situation hasn’t been great, I need to find a more permanent job that will assist with everything so I’ve been on a mission applying everywhere. I’ve been avoiding applying to places like burger joints mostly because I know if I apply and actually get the job I’ll feel worse about myself. I also need more folks to commission me so I have to post more art and become more active on social media! Ah…so much I need to do but I look forward to being busy.